I am Dr. Ursula Weide, a Licensed Psychologist, Licensed Professional Counselor and a Certified Thanatologist (Grief and Bereavement Specialist). Please note that the grief I will be referring to in the blog is death-related only. There are other losses in life causing grief as well but this is not what we will be talking about. Please do respect this.
My husband died of a heart attack when he was 47 so I will be speaking from personal experience. And in my psychology practice, I work with many – mostly young – individuals who have lost a child, sibling, spouse, parent or other loved one through tragic circumstances. These deaths were sudden, untimely, violent (accidents, suicide, homicide), occurred in an ICU, or after a terminal illness. Traumatic stress symptoms often are the consequene. Please check my website www.coping-with-loss-and-grief.com for more details.
One of the truly difficult aspects of coping with traumatic bereavement is the lack of understanding of our environments of what we are going through. We are supposed to “get over it”, “get a life”, “move on”, “just have another child.” These are all quotes, and you most likely have heard similar insensitive comments which have made you wonder why you just could not do what these well-meaning individuals recommended.
I would like to engage in a discussion with all of you who have had and continue to have these experiences. Since we have had similarly traumatic experiences, this is a safe place to provide support to each other. We have been there and understand each other.
Within the next few days, I will post excerpts from correspondence with a Washington Post journalist who compared learning to cope with traumatic grief with the “willpower” to lose weight. Please stay tuned!
And feel free to begin sending us your own experiences with “good advice”!
Dr. Weide
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Tags: bereavement, death, grief, grief counseling, grief group, grief support, mourning, weide
February 25, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Well, I have a comment for your website, Dr Weide I just buried my huband last friday (02-20-09), and I can’t think logically to save my own life here. I can’t sleep, I wait for the phone to ring here at work as he called me almost daily around lunch time, I could cry non stop, but I feel like my eyeballs are ready to fall out. I need a role model or a time line or something, as I said to my mom, I just don’t know how to be without him. He was a very ill man, severe degenerative arthritis of the spine and shoulders, thrown in with hypertension, thrown in with alcoholism, so I know he is in a better place, really I do…. but how do people manage? Its in my head, I was with him when he had his heart attack, it scared me to the point that when my son drove me to the hospital, i didn’t even remember my own name when the e.r nurse asked me. But he was dead by the time we got there.
Send me suggestions, send me anything, I might be getting really desperate for some ideas by the weekend, as its also my birthday on Sunday 3-1, and I am also a little peeved at him for dying before that too. (sorry)
Thank you for listening, I hope you still read your email as I don’t know how old this web site is.
March 23, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Dear Leslie,
I wish I had a magic bullet to take away your pain. I lost my wife of 24 years 2 years ago. After 7 years of breast cancer she fought till the end and died at the tender age of 48. Yesterday I cried as I looked through an album I put together of our memories together. It is the first time in about a year I did that. Not much will take away the pain of the loss, not alcohol, not pills, not even the love of friends and relatives. It at time feels like a lonely battle, but believe me, while the pain will not totally go away, it will become less powerful and debilitating.
I am carrying the guilt that I am cheating on her now with a very special woman. It kind of surprises me that it is still there, though a different type of pain and confusion. That you are grieving means that there was love there. Now you need to find a love that is not as deep, but is just as helpful. I am still not over the loss, but we all reach a point where we realize that he (or she in my case) would want you to be happy and go on. There is always that time when you will see them again along with all the others who have passed before. That is my greatest and most comforting belief.
God bless. I am not sure whether I helped at all, but believe in others. They can bring you more comfort than you think possible right now.
Sincerely,
Dave
October 6, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I have recently, 3 months ago, lost my husband of 46 years to a 2 year devastating battle with cancer. The ups and downs were more than a roller coaster ride. The experiences have left me devastated and longing for the memories of the good times we shared. He was a wonderful man and I yearn for him. I had a belief system before he died that included the world to come but now I think the best place for him was here with me on this earth in the flesh. I appreciate this blog. It is a place where one can be honest about where they are in this messy process.
It is so hard to navigate this place that I knew might come to someday but I was not prepared for this. The sadness and emptiness are palatable. I have a group that I go to and a therapist who specializes in grief and that is some comfort, but I still have to go through the pain alone. I feel as though many who have not experienced this type of loss do not really know how or what to say or do and often they seem to be standing in judgment of the grief that I am feeling. They seem uncomfortable and want to change the subject or avoid talking about him when all I want is to hear what they thought of him and to remember him. I go to my spiritual services and have a wonderful grandchild who lives with me and that is some comfort. Thank Goodness.
Thank you for this venue to express my thoughts and feelings.
Sincerely,
Cindi