Surviving Grief – an Act of Will?

Dear Friends,

Following up on my earlier post about surviving grief as an “act of will” – here is what one of my grief group members said.  ”People assume that coping with grief is like losing weight – eat less, exercise more, and you will lose weight.”  

Translated into grief terms, this means “Get a life”, “Put on a nice dress and go to a bar to meet another man”, “Just have another child”, “Get a volunteer job so that you can move on”, “Think of all the good things in your life and you will feel better” “Death is just a part of life – so what are you so down about?”  Sounds familiar?  

Here it is what the rest of the world does not understand – grief controls us, we do not control it.  What we can do,  however, is to learn to manage the grief.  By developing our personal coping skills.  We may have them already but may be unaware of them.

Please share your experiences with us!

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Dr. Weide

Grief – “An Act of Will” says the Washington Post!

Hello Friends,

On June 15, 2008, the Washington Post Magazine published an article “The Escape Artist” by Laura Wexler recounting the life of Jody Arlington and reviewing a book on her life by Kathryn Harrison.  Jody, as a teenager, was in the house when her 18-year old brother killed her parents and her younger sister. Today, Jody is 40 years old and, by her own account, living a well-adjusted life.  (She did not contribute to the WPM article.)

I had no issue with the article which was written in a neutral and respectful fashion without making judgments about Jody’s traumatic grief reactions nor expressing any expectations of how a traumatized survivor should act, think and feel.  The references to the book (which I have not read) indicated the same approach.

But I had an issue with Tom Shroder and his Editor’s Note:  for three-quarters of his introduction to the above article, he talks about how he lost weight.  Then he concludes that Ms. Arlington’s ability to live with her grief and trauma is due to an act of will – just as his decision to lose weight.  I quote:  ”How can some people beat the astronomical odds against them, seemingly through a sheer act of will?” He even traced this act back to a particular moment – when Ms. Arlington entered Georgetown University.

One of my bereavement support group members once hit the nail on the head when she said that “People assume that coping with grief is like losing weight – eat less, exercise more and you will lose weight!”  So here it was in writing, and in the Washington Post Magazine! Unfortunately, this is not the way it works as those of you reading this and who have experienced traumatic grief or are in the middle of it right now are well aware of.

The day after publication, I did something I had never done before – I tuned into the on-line discussion of this article with both authors.  With the intent to correct any misperceptions about grief which may be expressed during the discussion.  There were none as the contributors focused on the horrifying events and not on grief. I finally sent a message which read:

“As a peer of traumatic death survivors and as a mental health professional, I think that you and Ms. Harrison were respectful of Ms. Arlington. I just wish that others – such as Mr. Shroder – would take the time to do likewise.  Death is a complex and frightening issue, and even only commenting on it appropriately takes the effort that you and Ms. Harrison clearly invested in your protagonist.

So I wish that other authors would do their best not to inadvertently propagate stereotypes which add to the hurt experienced by survivors of traumatic death.  You aptly described the lurid notions Ms. Arlington’s environment had about her “collusion” in this horrible tragedy.

Assuming that someone such as Ms. Arlington can just decide to “leave the crippling events of the past behind” (quoting Mr. Shroder) adds to the survivors’ sense of “being crazy.”  Which, of course, survivors are not.  They have normal reactions to an abnormal experience. But it adds injury to insult.  And continues to traumatize them.  I hope that Mr. Shroder hears me.”

Mr. Shroder had the decency to get back to me.  This is what he wrote:

“I hear you.  I think that you misread me.  Just because I believe that some human beings are capable, through an act of will (emphasis added), of transcending even the most traumatic circumstances, does not meant that I am denigrating those who can not achieve the same near-miraculous result.”

Here it was again!  The act of will!  I had sent Mr. Shroder a lengthy message in response to his Editor’s Note but I think he had not  yet read it at the time of his reply to my on-line chat comment.  Perhaps then he would have had a different reaction to it.

Dr. Weide

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Tomorrow: If it is not an act of will, what is it?

Sadness vs. Traumatic Grief

Dear Friends,

I need to begin today by making a very important distinction which is misunderstood by most of the rest of society.  Sadness is what we feel when we lose, for example, an aging parent.  Even though the loss is forever and the pain may be quite intense, even impairing our functioning for a while, this type of loss is integrated relatively quickly.  This is what about 85% of all survivors experience.

But traumatic grief, often also called complicated grief, or traumatic bereavement which I prefer, is quite different – and experienced only by about 15% of survivors.  There are other terms out there as well such as “pathological grief”, used with relish by many mental health and other health care professionals.  But I do not like any term which implies there being “something wrong” with the person.  How are we to respond to the untimely death of a spouse or partner, child, parent, sibling or other loved one?  Or their violent death such as in an accident, through suicide, or homicide?  Or to having participated in the terminal care of a loved one, possibly also involving an Intensive Care Unit?

These are all traumatic experiences and traumatic losses.  The symptoms of trauma, possibly depression, anxiety and thoughts of one’s own death I see in my practice to me are “normal reactions to an abnormal experience.”  Our brains are not “programmed” to handle such events and go into a protective mode which leads to thoughts, feelings and behavior unfamiliar to us.

This is what this blog is all about – the 15% of traumatized survivors.  And the gulf between them and the rest of the world, basically insurmountable through our common means of communication.  Because the extreme pain of a traumatic loss can not be imagined by those who have not been there, and our language lacks the expressive dimension adequate to transmit what we are going through.

Dr. Weide

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Tomorrow: No, learning to live better with traumatic grief is not an act of will!  A response to an article in the Washington Post Magazine.

Welcome again!

Hello Friends,

Thank you for hanging in there with me for so long.  I have finally solved the technical problems and will be able to post regularly.  So much has been said about grief since I opened this blog, I have quite a backlog of subjects to discuss with you.  I will address the first one this weekend.

Request:  when you send a message describing your experience with death and grief, please do not speak ill of specifically named individuals.  Your disturbing experiences with family members and others in your environment are certainly valuable to share.  But please do not name the person, if you do, I will not be able to publish your post.

I know that anger and irritability are symptoms of traumatic grief.  But we need to keep the blog neutral enough, the purpose is not to vent anger with specific individuals which are easily identifiable by those in  the sender’s environment.

To t:  I will be happy to post your message from long ago – but please edit it according to my request above instead of naming specific individuals.

Thank you for your understanding.

Tune in again soon!

Dr. Weide

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