Recently, I spoke with an acquaintance, interested in better understanding grief, about communication between those who have been there and those who have not. Since I do not like many of the “grief concepts” and the related advice out there – many of us cringe when we hear it, no matter how well-meaning it may have been – I tried to explain that I do not like the concept of “acceptance.” Yes, I can hear your thoughts!
This person said, “How can you ever move on without acceptance?” To which I responded, “I prefer to phrase it in this fashion: yes, confronting reality to be able to look towards the future.” This was met with a bland stare. And the colleague then concluded that it “was all a matter of definiton.”
What are your thoughts? Please let us know!! To me, at least, it seems that the same words take on a different meaning, depending whether you have been there or not. And “acceptance”? What do you think?
What is some of the “language” you are wondering about?
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Kindly,
Dr. Ursula Weide
Tags: Add new tag, anxiety, bereavement, bereavement counseling, death, depression, Dr. Weide, grief, grief counseling, grief groups, grieving, loss of a loved one, post-traumatic stress, Ursula Weide
February 24, 2009 at 2:15 am
Reflection is key in both understanding and feeling the other person. Having a deep discussion and a very sympathetic ear is key. One cannot fully grasp the pain that anyone is actually feeling but one can definitely provide a sympathetic ear.
June 21, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I thought I could accept the passing of my boyfriend of 7 years, he was suffering so much we thought that taking him of life supportnwas the best thing to do. Know that it is done, and he has been gone for a month, I know that he is never coming back, but can’t accept the fact that he is no longer here.
Must we accept before we can move on? I’m tired of everyone telling me to move on, and stop crying, then, I hear that it’s going to take a long time to get over the pain,and you’ll never get over it.
How am I supposed to deal with what people are saying? Who am I supposed to believe? Then there is the guilt, everytime I laugh, or smile, I feel guilt. I shouldn’t be having a good time, because he is no longer here.
I can only take it a second at a time, and deal with it the only way I can.
Acceptance, I dont know, first we are to believe that these things happen in life for a reason, then accept that, then accept that they are not coming back, then deal with that, I’m lost..
October 12, 2009 at 4:10 am
I don’t know about accepting or not excepting it does not seem to me that life needs your acceptance to continue or stop. I guess I don’t understand what the word except means in this context. What I don’t want to here from anyone again is that I am not alone. because they say that to me and they tell me that they are here for me and then they go back to their life, family, job ……. and carry on and I am still alone the same as i way I was before they seed that I wasn’t. I have two children a 10year old and an 18 month old. Every day I take care of them and it is the only thing I can do without crying and even sometimes I cry with them. Every moment of every day I am holding back tears even when I am laughing. I can’t stop thinking and my mind can’t complete a thought. Most of the time I feel like I can’t breathe. And it hearts to speak. It has been 6 month since my brother was murdered and fifteen years since my mother was murdered. The only thing that got me to stop thinking about my mother’s death was my brother’s death.
I have lived my life through the un dealt with pain of my mother’s murder when I was 14. And now I see that that was something like a false alarm. Because I realize that I really could have moved forward from that and lived my life consciously and not have done everything out of pain fear or anger.
Now weather it is compounded by never dealing with my mother’s death or just me being the mess that I slowly corroded into. I feel positive that I will never be ok. I wish I had “accepted my mother’s death and “LIVED” for the past 15 years because I see now that that was my time to achieve happiness and stability. Now I am broken; completely unfixable. I think that everyone must have a time in their life where they feel they really lived, loved, achieved,, aspired did the best they could. That is not the case with me.
My point is:
Lots of thing happen that you think and feel you can’t handle and then something happens that you really can’t. And when you look back from your broken stat you will have wished you lived loved and laughed when you could.
October 12, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Dear Shannon,
My heart goes out to you. And yes, you are so right – acceptance is a word that just does not apply to what you are going through. The violent deaths of two of your closest family members! How can we ever accept such tragedies. This is why I reject any of the “stages” concepts – the world out there thinks that at some point we will – and must! – be OK with the deaths of our loved ones. To move on! Another term that does not apply. We can learn to live better with the tragedies but this takes time. And as you say, it does not seem that we could ever feel differently again for quite some time after the deaths. The rest of the world just does not have a clue.
You make another important point. The value of time and of every moment. Only after a traumatic death do we realize that anything can happen to anyone at any moment in time. And that we have to live life as much as possible because it could be over at any time. I do not think that “acceptance” of your mother’s death would have been the prerequisite for you living “happily”, as the world expects us to do again after a tragedy.
Learning to live with the loss better is the best we can do. And perhaps you have done this without being aware of it. Fear and anger do come with a tragedy and are part of our lives for a long time. You have two children – and they do make you laugh! It is hard not to laugh around small children. Even when we are grieving. There are these two levels in us – on one, we go on and can even laugh, on another, the grief stays with us. This is part of learning to live better with the tragedy. You may not be aware that you have done the best you could!
One of the unexplainable tragedies of human existence, the way I see it, is that some of us have a “happy” life taken away from us very early such as in your case. Why I do not know. And what is “happiness” anyway? Life, even without a tragic death, is a struggle most of the time. I know that this is no consolation but I am at an age where I have a lot of questions about what life is really all about, considering the pain in this world.
Very kind regards,
Dr. Ursula Weide
October 12, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Thank you for your words.
Now I think about life and its meaning all of the time now but as I said before, my mind never takes me to a complete thought or I will think myself into a contradictory state. A point you made and that we have to live life as much as possible because it could be over at any time. Has been made abundantly clear to me with my brother’s death that never accrued to me with my mother’s death.
My brother’s story is over and it cannot be added to are polished up.
All of the time people do things and live in a way that out of there character (sum times for fifteen years and as people progress and grow and achieve this times become known as bumps in the road or learning experiences or poor judgment. but what about the idea that your life could be over rite in the middle of all your scrappiest times? Then everything changes. These things are no longer bumps in the road or bad times. They are your whole and complete story.
All I heard at Scotty’s funeral is what he could have been and how he never quit got it right.
That is his stamp in history. That is his story. My brother and I had a bad situation to begin with my mother a drug addict, no father, almost every day she beet my brother every day. She would be high all of the time and did not use any discretion. And then she was murdered trying to buy drugs. Yes the people around us gave us good homes and tried to refocus our attention. The people my brother lived with did everything they could for my brother. They gave him a life that was full of love and support and my grandmother (who I lived with my mother’s mother) showered me with love and attention.
It is like you are an animal in a cage and the people are loving and supporting and decorating your cage but from in the cage you are just sitting in your own crap and you are angry at the people because they will not open the door and let you out or at least come in and clean out your cage so that you can breathe. Then you realize that no one will ever let you out of the cage. They say that you have to let yourself out and your response is “ hay _____ if I had the key I would” and then you decide to do whatever you can in your little cage that you will never get out of to do anything that will temporarily take your pain away. And then 15 years later one caged animal looks over at the other caged animal and sees that he has died in his cage. Now it has turned into a one animal circus and all off the spectators loose interest in the dead caged animal because a dead caged animal dose not quit have the same impact as a live person living amongst them dying.
My brother and I we would pass notes through our cages to one another. I would toss him a bone he would toss me a bone …..
October 12, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Dear Shannon,
Yes, it felt like a cage to me too after my husband died. The rest of the world just does not get it… And life changes forever. Please take good care!
Kindly,
Dr. Weide